后知后觉

I'm in such a "thought"ful mood tonight. Kept tearing til i can't get to sleep. Maybe it's that time of the month again *tsk*

Going thru a rollercoaster of moods these few days.

Joy - Yesterday, i finally found my CNY dress after quite a long search. Was (rather) exhilarated when the cashier told me I have enough Citibank points hence i need not pay a single cent!

Uncertainty - I received the payment confirmation email from the race organiser. It still seems unreal though. Joyce told me she only realised it was real when she stood at the start line. Serene asked me why i wanted to do it. I pondered for a while and replied that i wanted to test my endurance limits and i've never been to such a country, ran on such a terrain, under such harsh conditions. My colleague showed his support in practical sense. I reckon he's gonna be my 恩人...errm, maybe not for my entire life but at least for 2009 :P

This brings me to my next mood.

Reality bites - Did my sums and realised i'm gonna pay my arse off for 2009. Well, i shld be done by the last quarter if i am disciplined enough. Hahah..sounds like i'm moving hand in hand with the economy. It's a choice i've made thus i can't complain. Let's hope the economy improves by last qtr

Doom's day thought - Retrenchment and paycut are imminient. Having done my sums, i am concerned about my family's overall financial condition if i tio porked. A lot of "what-if"s followed. What happens if 1 of my family members falls sick? I won't be able to bear the expenses. Over dinner, a casual mention to my mom abt an impending retrenchment brought me to a shocking realisation that my sis could possibly be UNINSURED! To worsen the "scenario", she doesn't watch her diet aa well as spending habits. In fact, she owes my mom & granny big-time (and God noes r there any legalized loansharks). If anything happens (touch wood), i'm too old to sell my body for any financial gains...heheh.

I went into the room and started to google "drafting a will". Afterall, i wanted to make sure my assets (tho i have little) & liabilities are taken care of if i am gone one day. At least my family doesn't have to grieve and worry abt money issues at the same time.

Mom sensed that something wasn't right & checked on me. The oredi teary me started to pour. Behold, as it's a rare sight at home :P I always hold back my emotions in family's presence. We had a long chat & i shared my concerns with her. She verified that Sis has her insurance cover *phew* Nonetheless, Mom also revealed some stuff that i'm unaware of.

In my attempt to sleep, many thots flooded my mind...randomly.

I know my thoughts are all "what-if"s and whatever has not taken place, don't worry unduly. Maybe this trait has to do with being the eldest daughter in the family? Mom is getting older and it's our turn to take care of her. If only Sis can think & act towards this direction.

My thought then roamed to...what do i wish to leave behind when i've passed on? And at that point, i'm thankful for what my mom has taught (in her limited time when i was a kid) and provided me. Perhaps that's what my legacy shld be - a worthy grand-daughter, daughter, sister, friend & colleague (my current capacities til date).

Colleague, if u happen to read this one day. Grieve not, instead, take time to remember your Mom in fondness and gladness that she has left behind 4 legacies :)