I am ironic

When the rest completed theirs, i tot with some regrets, "I should have gone ahead & not think so much."

When the next event date is finalized, i had reservations..."Should i go?".

When i finally mustered up enough courage to register, i hesitated..."Still got time to reconsider before i pay up."

When my name was removed from the list (cos whoever pay will get the slot), i went..."shucks, i'd better pay first to secure my slot."

When i paid the deposit, i was thinking..."how? Next would be the remaining pmt + airfare". I feared retrenchment & was concerned how i was gg to pay off the debts if i don't have a job.

When financial help came & the remaining fee was taken care of, i wondered...with some excitement,"It's gonna be real!"

When the excitement gradually settle, doubts set in. And this is now.

My brain is filled with doubts and lots of "what-if-i-can't-make-it"s. All these negative thoughts are sirening in my head. Why am i so bothered? Well...mostly due to the cut-off times. The rest of the worries would be my health condition & whether am i able to take the heat, the extreme distance, the unknown terrain & the solitude? I, for one, am neither an optimist or confident person. I do not know if i can accept the failure, how i am gg to handle my friends' consolations. etc etc.

Yesterday, I bought a book to note my feelings, thots and prep prior to the race. It has the word "FAITH" and an encouraging verse inside. Today, an ignorant accquaintance gotta dampen that inspiration with some dumb response in FB. Darn! A totally uncalled-for remark.

I know it's not Everest that i am going to. However, it's a feat of a lifetime to me...one that i am going by myself...MY own Everest.